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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2008|11:49 am]

shit hits the fan.

ive been getting back into sewing again. it's puts me in a better place in my head. it relaxes me. and im getting my pictures all togetehr for my scrapbook. i cannot wait to finish it.
now im going to go out with my father to get chinese. something very good as well
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(no subject) [Jan. 27th, 2008|12:10 pm]
 this month really has not been one to smile about. everything with school and college and how i feel about everything is making me really out of it. sometimes i dont know what i want anymore. everyone goes through it, i know, but i just feel so indifferent. i feel like nothing is worth it anymore.
last night was probably one of the worst nights this month. everything was going all right during the day (except the sats of course). but on my ride back with my dad, everything went down. dad got off the phone with nancy and was pissed. then he asked me a question (one in a very sensitive subject) and a mental breakdown. it almost felt like he asked me it to make me as angry as he was. but probably not. sometimes he says things without thinking when he's angry. i mean if he actually would have thought a second before asking, he would have realized that i was already a little sensitive because of earlier and it was only inevitable that i would break apart after asking something like that. so when i got to my mom's, the last thing i wanted to do was confront her. but she knew what was up and eventually i did. im just relieved that things are in the past with her. if i didnt have her the way she is now, i have no idea where things would be. i know i would be a bigger mess than what i already am.
then today i was looking through old pictures on facebook and my huge collection of pictures at home and i couldnt hold it anymore. it was so hard looking at how things used to be. not just in the last three years at bsa, but before i went to bsa. before i had a problem. before i actually loved someone. before being confused. before i didnt have to worry about my future. i dont know how to explain, but it hit me really hard. ive never wanted the past as bad as i do now. and ive never missed someone as much as i miss you. 
it sounds cliche, but when everything goes bad with my dad, things get better with my mom. i just wish things could equal out. i've actually been giving thought about colleges in minnesota. she's leaving after june, and part of me is torn. despite how things were, everything is better. i feel like if she leaves things won't be how they are now. and it kills me because now i actually feel liek i have a mother. and i dont want to ruin what little good i feel like i have right now. ive been known to ruin what was good in the past. and i dont want to blame myself for another good thing gone bad. so i want to keep this where it's at. maybe if i go to minnesota, it will. and maybe i just need some change.
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(no subject) [Jan. 17th, 2008|07:58 pm]

i hate how everything is pilling on top of everything at once. i have so many fucking assignments. it's like their last chance to try to fail me. im so tired of everything. jazz lit test was today and i felt so insecure. i dont know if i did well or not. every time i think i do well....i get like a 70. vis versa. so i dont know. at least the project was good. probbaly end up getting a b for the quarter grade. i know i could have gotten better than a b in that class though. whatever dr. ford is such a dick.
exams next week and i feel so worried. i know im ready, its just that i have so much pressure on me know with other crap. and when that happens...i always end up doing bad on tests. i cannot screw this up.
ive been feeling like such a failure this week. come home and crash because i cant fall asleep a normal hour. then i get no work done.its a never ending circle. on top of that, i cant keep a decent plan. ive failed with that basically. hopefully i can keep on track next week.
this guy from the train will not leave me alone. its bothering me so much. he doesnt have the balls to talk to me on the train....but he'll try to talk to me via messages on myspace. its so annoying. people are just annoying me in general. i want to get out of school so badly. im tired of this bullshit and feeling like bullshit.

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(no subject) [Dec. 31st, 2007|11:36 pm]
 i still cant get over the fact that it's going to be in a new year. in less than 30 minutes. so much has happened. i was so close to having a breakdown, but i didnt. i just sat and thought, instead of crying. i feel a little stronger knowing that considerbly a lot of things have happened in the last 6 months, and ive come through it all. i just have all these things in me that either make the best in things or the worst in things. and thats how everything came about this year. that probably makes no sense. i dont know, sometimes i think i have  alittle too much baggage than my mind can handel.
then again, i ready for new. yet again. new year's resolution: liberate my strengths and things that happened in the past. im not going to try to make things happen again like how they were in the past. im going to use what happened in the past to make me happier. a fresh start.
emily made me this kickass red hot chili peppers cd. and im in love with it.
I'm the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of everything you've ever smelled
my new favorite song
don't forget me.

(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2007|06:27 pm]
 i cant explain how different i feel now. there's so much change...at home. in my attitude. in my will. in everything. its hard to believe it at the time, but when something bad happens, something good will happen. always. every new beginning comes from some other beinning's end.
christmas was so nice. just spending time with the families and not worrying about a relationship. but i do have to admitt, it was a kind of a downer seeing every single one of my cousins with a boyfriend/girlfriend. when it comes to wanting a relationship, im so ambiguous.sometimes i do, sometimes i dont. i know for a fact, i cant do that shit it school anymore. neverrr. 
but maybe one, i'll take whatever ocmes my way.
i'm still craming with homework. COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS.
i got a DS. and it's pink! it's beyond adorable. i think im going to glam out my cell again over the break, its looking a little plain. i got some realllly awesome things.
one good things about the holidays....MASSIVE amounts of leftovers. the good shit. im such a good cook :]

i really need some testosterone. 
oh the perks to being alone when its fucking cold...

i think im going to go drink some tea and watch the sweetest thing.

(no subject) [Dec. 19th, 2007|08:20 pm]
 you would never think, that with all the shit you do, you would ever get caught. and then it happens. 
drinking while intoxicated.
drinking under the influence
drinking while impared.
and a 1.7

i have never felt so unstabled. it wasnt even her fault. and yet she's the one that is hurt. everything is going on at once. it's so hard sometimes. but i guess you have to hit rock bottom to wake up and see some light. and to know that the bad things you choose to do, can hurt you. some things need to stop. if she can do it, so can i. 
i just want to have control again.

this made me feel so much better :
"im glad you grew from this.
and i know no one is perfect, no one less than me. i know. i can't think of many people who deserves tears less than you. im not just saying that in some jesture to look like a good guy or a sensitive guy or some other piece of bull shit. im not doing to make you feel better. you are one of the good guys in my life, of which there aren't many. your role is appreciated. i feel bad for you, not pity, you needn't pity, i just empathize. today when dr. hardy told you to sing out, as that single tear rolled down your cheek, man, it was like a punch to the gut. i wanted to my stand at him in a most violent manner, (even though retrospectively, he didn't even know what was up.)
all i want is everything to be all right with my friends, you especially. i love you guys truely. i miss you when your not around, and when youre not smiling, im missing the best part."

i really do have good things around me most of the time. its just hard to take the good thing in sometimes when bad things happen. and when you truely want to shut everyone out. even though i cant control everything, there are things i can. 
ive been on a radiohead binge. i guess it goes with the mood.
I've been thinking about you. so how can you sleep. these people aren't you're friends, they pay to kiss your feet. but they don't know what I know. what do you care? when I'm not there.

(no subject) [Dec. 12th, 2007|08:55 pm]
 im sick. and i cannot swallow. it is that bad.
im losing my voice along with my mind.
bad habits. restricting. getting out of hand.
remember the time i told you the way that i felt
that i'd be lost without you and never find myself.
sometimes i wish people would stop talking. just stop making noise for a little while. i cant explain it. people should just give talking a break. i heard his name, and i honestly wanted to run away. that's how uncomfortable i was. it feels like it's only getting worse as more time passes. i wonder if he knows he's all i think about at night. 
let the new night bring you peace and the promise of tomorrow

All my little plans and schemes, lost like some forgotten dream. seems like all i really was doing, was waiting for you.
one of the most beautiful songs out there, mr. lennon


(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2007|05:04 pm]

 hell yeah.
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(no subject) [Dec. 2nd, 2007|10:37 pm]
 i did a college visit today at hood. i encountered 3 dead animals (one of which i think was a german shepard) and a really bad car accident.

i do believe this is a sign that i should NOT go to this college.
....ever again.
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(no subject) [Dec. 1st, 2007|10:19 pm]

i FUCKING hate wiggin out like this! im so stressed. everything is going on at once. my mind is so unclear. BLURRYYYY

on the good side, i have most of my college shit together. but there's still so much to do. and then all this work for school. its such a waste of time. luckly, i got an A on my project for us history and im gonna get a kickass grade on this theory paper. i will not accept less. im trying really hard. this week(or 2) i need to stay on detox. at least until chritmas break. no alcohol or bad food. or anything of the usual.
so my week goes as following:
monday: part of thoery project due/ us history hw due. gym. christmas shopping. chollege shit. get music for lisa
tuesday: interview. i REALLY hope i get the job. i NEED the money. start making christmas gifts
wed.: college tour!!!!!!! gym. christmas shit
thurs: crazzzzy homework. possible driving test?
friday: college visit. and lesson at the college. REST
saturday: another college visit. gym
sunday: write essays. REST. do journals. book report. SHAKESPEARE!! ughhh

and more. its frustrating. im a little worried about this month for different reasons. im expected to do so much with christmas coming up. and then all these other little things. it make me feel so uneasy. getting those feeling back when face to face. i just wish i could run away. i wish time could fly away. i just want to move on.
this heart, it beats, beats for only you. 
i found something she gave me last year. and it made me so sad. not because it reminded me of her, but because it doesnt smell like her anymore. the fabric didnt smell like anything. it was gone, just like her. reminds you that things really do have a tendacy of fading away, no matter how important they are.

amanda is visiting next weekend. i really need her right now. 
bring on the snow  winter. i am GAME.


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